Please Return Your Battery (If You Can)

Dear Apple Customer: Thank you for checking our Battery Exchange Program page for the eligibility of your 12-inch PowerBook G4’s accompanying battery for replacement. According to our records, your battery is is covered under this program.

So congratulations, it stands a better-than-usual chance of blowing up! And when we say “blowing up,” we mean it in the old school way, not in the way that young kids were bandying about five years ago as a euphemism for “getting really popular.”

We’d like to ship you a replacement battery before you sue us. Unfortunately, the ZIP code that you’ve entered as part of your shipping address, “10018,” doesn’t agree with our own internal database for some unspecified reason. In spite of the fact that you’ve checked it multiple times and that you have items shipped to that exact address and ZIP code regularly, we᾿re still unable to recognize it.

Battery Exchange Page

Rather than entering the city, state and ZIP as “New York, NY 10018,” may we suggest that you enter it instead as “New York, NY 10018”? If that doesn’t work, perhaps you can use one of the alternative city names we’ve provided, e.g., “Manhattan” or “Midtown,” even though no one really uses those anyway and our system won’t recognize them either.

Good luck and please check the batteries in your smoke alarms (especially if Sony made them)!

Sincerely,
Apple Computer, Inc.

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  1. You entered “USA” in the box that says “County (not Country).” Sure, they should probably check that you didn’t try entering “USA” into that field, and most forms don’t ask for county, but there’s probably nothing technically wrong with their page.

  2. You have mistook “County” for “Country.” It isn’t the database, its your brain reading the beginning and end of a word, and not processing the middle.

  3. Oh man, I had a similar problem with “County (not Country)”. I bet that’s throwing lots of folks off.

    My county is “King” and it wouldn’t take that. I had to enter “King (rfc)” which would be the exact match. I’ve got no clue what “rfc” stands for…anyway, it took me a few mintues to figure that one out.

  4. Count yourself lucky you can get this far. In Australia we get to enter our serials and then get told we have to take our battery to the nearest apple store. No mailouts. No love.

  5. Ya know, the problem is really New York. I think it’s pretty safe to say that New York is the only city in the country that’s, umm, so nice that they named it thrice: New York, New York, New York (city, county, state). Anyone who did that outside of New York county would get that little table of possible correct entry combinations and see very quickly that they had never entered their county anywhere. Me, for instance. If I had put in East Haven, USA, Connecticut, I would get back East Haven, New Haven, Connecticut, as the suggested correct entry, and I’d think, Huh, look at that–I never put New Haven in anywhere here. Khoi, on the other hand, had put New York in already. Twice.

  6. Ya know, the problem is really New York. I think it’s pretty safe to say that New York is the only city in the country that’s, umm, so nice that they named it thrice: New York, New York, New York (city, county, state). Anyone who did that outside of New York county would get that little table of possible correct entry combinations and see very quickly that they had never entered their county anywhere. Me, for instance. If I had put in East Haven, USA, Connecticut, I would get back East Haven, New Haven, Connecticut, as the suggested correct entry, and I’d think, Huh, look at that–I never put New Haven in anywhere here. Khoi, on the other hand, had put New York in already. Twice.

  7. Oh man, that thing got me last night. I also mistook “county” for “country” about three times, and even then, knowing I’m in “King County” wasn’t enough: I had to enter the cryptic “King (rta)” which means..what?

    Anyway, free battery, yay! Mine wasn’t holding a charge very long anymore.

  8. County… When, in the name of the holy city of Cthulhu, will we Europeans not be forced to enter which county we live in.

    NEWSFLASH WEB PEOPLE: Denmark doesn’t have counties. Most countries don’t! ARGH!

    Oh, yeah I also have a recall on one of my batteries. Too bad, a little explosion might spice up life a bit 😉

  9. At least you got that far. Many of us had a different experience with Apple’s site: We entered valid, covered serial numbers, and the website stated that, “Sorry, your serial number isn’t covered.”

    I ended up calling Apple (took forever to get through, since this bug affected so many people apparently), and they took my address to send out a new battery.

  10. The whole thing is damn annoying. I already sent a 12″ G4 PowerBook battery back in January this year for the last recall and now I’ve got to do it again, a mere six months later! Which means that I have to take a whole day off work so that I’m at home when the courier calls because they can’t give me an exact time or even say whether it will be morning or afternoon. Grrrr!

  11. I also had problems with Apple’s buggy webform. My serial and battery number was iincorrect. Like Matt i had to call Apple and wait forever only finding out they couldn’t send me a new battery because A. I don’t have a credit card (not many in my age ~21 has credit cards in Finland since we study and have no income) B. They couldn’t find out when it was shipped to me so now I have to look for the reciept that should be lying somewhere… Just can’t find it.

    Next week I’ll have to call again. Darn.

  12. Dear Apple Customer: If you are currently in Japan and need your battery shipped to the Land of the Rising Sun, please choose Japanese as your input language in order to proceed. We will not be able to continue processing your order unless you do this, regardless of whether you can read kanji or not. If you try to fudge the data, we will redirect you until you accept our terms and blindly feel your way through our horrible battery refund forms.

    ???????????

    Looks like I’ll be queueing up to call Apple as well…

  13. That’s what I think. At first I felt really stupid because I had misread “county” as “country.” But then I realized that the error message should say a bit more explicitly that the wrong county was entered — this seems likely to be the most common error that users encounter on this page, so Apple should create a special provision that addresses is unambigously.

    Moreover, why the hell should I be asked for my county? I can’t recall encountering another address form that asks for that apart from paperwork for the IRS.

  14. Please tell me that’s not a real message from Apple. Because a real message about battery replacement where “blowing up” is joked about = not remotely funny.

    As a parody, though, it’s hilarious. 🙂

  15. Glad you sorted out the arcane form.

    Can anyone steal your identity with the computer’s serial number? Is there any reason at all to blur that info in the screencap? I guess at this point the damage is done (although I can’t really see what anyone would do with a G4 serial number anyway), so this is more of a curiosity question.

  16. I never even got far enough to find out my zip code doesn’t exist 🙂

    Apple’s online system refused to take my battery’s serial number, even though it was well within the range and the correct model.

    I ended up giving up on the site and calling AppleCare (which was experiencing some serious phone system issues for a couple of days) to get my exchange filed.

  17. So pretty much you get your computer, it messes up, you have to continue with confusing questions to send it back, and in turn you end up having to take it in some where. This sounds way too complicated. There has to be an easier way.

  18. At least Apple is trying to wave the “Don’t Panic” flag?

    What I like is that Apple has an Exchange Program which you Qualify for, while Dell has a Battery Recall which you are Subject to.

    All for probably exactly the same battery.

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